Why Our Kids Take It Out On Us
Anyone noticing their kids being more grouchy and irritable last week? Prone to snappy attitude and short temper? Having a different brand of mini-meltdowns over quarantine school work or being asked to switch off the screen?
I sure have.
As of last week, which was the second week of the physical distancing mandate due to Coronavirus, my five year old has taken to barking orders ("Blueberry smoothie - NOW!"), incomplete sentences ("Not go to bed!") and randomly punching me in the arm. I ask, "Why did you do that?" and he says "I don't know...” Then he smiles and skips away.
Why are they behaving this way? They have everything they need - they get to sleep in longer, they have taken over entire rooms and set up their own "offices" in the house, the fridge is stocked, snacks always available, it can't be tiredness or hunger - so why are they so grumpy and impatient?
And we've been there for them through the stress and changes brought on by Covid-19 - so why are they taking it out on us?
It took me a minute (okay, longer than that) to figure it out, but what if they aren't taking it out on us... they are trying to share their feelings with us.
I sat down and checked in with my son after the third punch. I used the "Name it to Tame It" strategy from Tina Bryson and Dan Siegel’s first book, The Whole Brain Child. I stopped myself from threatening consequences and instead I said:
"Hey babe, it seems like you have a lot of energy in your body that is building up and getting stuck. It's reminding me of how body builders, men and women who usually get to lift heavy weights at the gym, can't go to the gym right now, and instead they are finding different ways to work out at home. I wonder if you're having feelings building up and you need a way to work them out. Are you having feelings that I'm not seeing because I've been so busy working?"
My son Jack crumpled into my arms, started to cry, and said, "Yes, Mummy... I'm so lonely. Can you get another baby so I can have a friend to play with?"
Oh my sweet boy. My heart melted. We made a plan to build in regular "Jack time" where we spend hyper-focused, deep quality time for about 5 minutes every hour or so that I'm in front of the computer. The rest of the time is the same - hanging out as a family. This weekend has been much better.
Kids really need us to see what's brewing under the surface right now - and that's what their behavior is telling us. When that behavior comes from stress building up in the body and impulses driven by lower brain structures, their fight or flight reactions can overwhelm their ability to speak calmly and act rationally. That's true for 5 year olds AND 15 year olds. And for 40 year olds (that's how old I am)!
It took me a few times feeling shocked, confused, and frustrated to figure it out - and I honestly did not react like a loving, intentional parent those times. I had to steady my nerves with self care and reflection to be ready to address it. Let's acknowledge right now that I still want my son to be kind to others in our household no matter what is going on outside our door. But understanding that he is sad and lonely means that he needs kindness, care, and loving attention too, as well as being reminded of our family values. I want him to be kind to himself - and learn how to recognize his feelings and ask for support.
One way to address stress levels is to talk to your child and have a teachable moment, like I did. Another way is to follow it up with real action. Building in short bursts of seriously-high-quality connecting time is a total spa treatment for your child's pent up emotions. Open the floodgates in a positive way! Play until you see the stress melt away!
Some of you know that I've spent the last several years turning what I do as a play therapist into a set of strategies that anyone can use to find more success helping kids lower stress and express feelings in a positive, productive way. We call it PlayStrong, and at the Center for Connection, we hired a bunch more play therapists last year to offer the approach to more families.
PlayStrong is now being used at several other agencies besides ours. It's now been adopted by ECHO Parenting Education, Para Los Ninos, and the UCLA Mattel Children's Hospital. Parenting educators, clinicians, teachers, and child life specialists are using it for a few minutes every day with kids and noticing positive changes: calmer emotions, fewer behavioral problems, higher confidence, and more resilience.
What have I been doing on the computer? Putting the strategies online for our partner agencies to use as resources for parents during the quarantine. You might find them useful too! Our goal is to help lots and lots of families make the best of all this time at home - so our kids can get back out in the world stronger, healthier, more capable to take on the future!
Feel free to check out the work I've been putting in and let me know what you think about the first Play Strong strategy, Think Out Loud >>
